Don’t forget to vote! Here are my picks.
Worst Song: “The Christmas Shoes.”
Every time I hear this song, I want to gouge out my own eyes. If I ever listen to it, it’s only so that I can loudly talk through the whole thing, explaining to everyone within earshot the enormity of my hatred for this self-indulgent drivel. This is the kind of song that makes me want to reform the welfare system so I never have to hear whiny ballads about poor children ever ever again.
Here’s the rundown: a poor child wants to buy his mother shoes before she dies. The guy behind him in line – purportedly singing the ditty – watches him empty his change onto the counter and “count his pennies for what seemed like years,” and when the kid doesn’t have enough, the guy ponies up.
I can’t even begin to describe all the things wrong with this story. Why is a kid out alone on Christmas Eve? Why isn’t the kid at home with his DYING MOTHER? Who was supervising him? Is his dad a wino, or what? Has he no extended family? And if this guy genuinely wanted to help this kid and his family, couldn’t he GIVE THE KID A RIDE HOME? Or write him a check to offset the cost of the mother’s funeral? Instead of buying shoes for this woman who is most likely bedridden?
Bob Carlisle, who sings the song, talks through the verses in an annoyingly conversational angst-ridden monotone and wails through the chorus as though someone is repeatedly poking him in a vital organ – “And I want her to look BEAU-tiful if MOM-ma meets JEE-sUs……..to-NIGHT.”
They actually made a movie of this song, with Rob Lowe the Curse’d………but it was so bad even I didn’t see it. Thus, my pick for worst Christmas movie is
Worst Movie: “One Magic Christmas”
This movie features Mary Steenburgen as a desperately poor mom at the end of her rope with two guilt-ridden children and an emasculated out-of-work husband. Needless to say, they can’t afford a merry Christmas. Enter Happy Christmas Angel to show them how much they love each other! Right? Well, almost.
The angel, a hangdog Harry Dean Stanton in a trenchcoat and fedora which make him look just like the polygamous cult leader I always think of him as, is not exactly Clarence from It’s a Wonderful Life.
Harry decides that the best way to make Mary appreciate what she’s got is to magically disappear what little money there is in the family bank account. As you may imagine, this turn of events only makes Mary more shrewish, snapping at her kids, screaming at her useless husband, and generally raging at God.
Since she failed to respond to this brilliant tactic, the angel magics a bank heist next to Mary’s work. Mary’s husband gets shot, and the robbers try to run away his car, in which the kids were waiting. The robbers drive the car into a river in their haste, drowning the kids. Yes, you read that right: the Happy Christmas Angel just killed Mary Steenburgen’s entire family in front of her.
Feeling jolly now, Mary? Are ya?
But it’s okay! The angel Harry has the whole family hidden away in Santa’s workshop, and after Mary treks about twenty-five-billion miles in the snow, she gets them back! And they’re all happy and together! But they’re still desperately poor! But that’s okay, really! Because Harry Dean Stanton has ways of making you merry. Ways you don’t want to know about.
I hope this kicks off some worthwhile ranting/voting. Read the instructions in the vote post, and comment! Merry Christmas runup!